CATB Chapter 26

Had I taken two or three steps?

A firm but gentle hand grabbed my arm. And with slight force, it turned me back around.

Black hunting clothes filled my vision.

"Alexa."

Warm warmth was transmitted through my caught wrist. The fact that the Grand Duke had grabbed me again and the warmth being transmitted seemed to make my anger subside a little—

I worked hard not to let my cold expression soften.

"Do you have more to say?"

"......"

Still not letting go of my wrist, the Grand Duke closed his mouth again.

At the repeating cycle again, I twisted my wrist to shake off his hand.

"Please let go."

Just when it seemed I was almost free, he grabbed my wrist firmly again.

Whether he couldn't control his strength or grabbed too tightly, a groan escaped involuntarily.

"Ah..."

When the slight pain leaked from my mouth, he flinched and loosened his grip a bit. His long, straight fingers still encircled my wrist.

"....I..."

Just as he was about to close his mouth again, because I tried to pull my hand free again, Belkellion finally spoke.

"Yes."

"...If I don't enter the forest..."

"If you don't?"

"Wouldn't that mean forfeiting the hunt?"

Ooh. That's valid. The Grand Duke must have had more competitive spirit than I thought.

"You wanted to win."

I nodded understandingly.

But the Grand Duke shook his head.

Huh?

"That's not it."

"Then what?"

"......"

I waited silently for his words.

"...No. In any case, it was my mistake."

Why do you stop mid-sentence?

I stared at him as he closed his mouth tight again.

My wrist was still firmly held.

"Grand Duke."

"Belkellion."

To me who kept calling him Grand Duke, Belkellion uttered his own name.

Does he want to argue about that at a time like this, this person?

"Grand Duke."

"...Didn't you agree...to call me by my name?"

"I don't want to."

"...Why..."

"The Grand Duke won't tell me things either, so why should I have to give reasons?"

"......"

He closed his mouth tight again.

Seeing him meet my eyes then look down again at my cold words, he was just like a dejected puppy.

What is this, why am I being a romantic fool here too?

Damn, I'm a sucker for looks. My heart was getting soft.

"Grand Duke."

"......"

"Grand Duke Belkellion."

"......"

There, I even included the name, but he had no response.

Sigh, he's sulking.

"Belkellion."

Thinking it would be more effective to coax him into speaking, I changed my approach.

Only after I called his name somewhat affectionately did Belkellion meet my eyes.

I placed my free hand gently on top of his hand that was gripping my wrist firmly. I gently stroked the back of his hand with my thumb, as if conveying warm comfort.

"Belkellion."

"...Yes."

He answered slowly.

"Sometimes"

"......"

"There are things that can't be conveyed by heart alone."

"......"

"There are things where we can only resolve misunderstandings by talking to each other."

"......"

"I'm not trying to be angry. Well, I was a little angry at first."

"......"

"I want you to be safe."

"......"

"We haven't known each other very long to be saying things like this, and it might seem ridiculous, but I want Belkellion to be safe."

"......"

"I don't want you to get hurt."

It was the truth.

I had affection for this man.

Even if it wasn't romantic love that could be rationally defined as such, even if it bore aspects of sympathy, I had affection for this man.

He had become precious to me.

Despite disliking attention, I had volunteered to be his partner in the hunting competition.

I had killed the monsters that rushed toward him.

Though I don't particularly like human nature in general, boundless affection springs up for Belkellion.

Sheesh, talking like this makes me seem like I'm Belkellion's prince on a white horse.

Haven't our roles been reversed? Damn, that's just like my life.

My objects of affection are extremely limited—

But in the tightrope walking of relationships, I've always been the protector rather than the protected.

It was like that in the real world, and it's like that here too. Fuck, my life.

Why is that?

I wish I could say it's 100% because of his looks that perfectly target my taste.

I wish I could define it that simply.

But inside me, all these thoughts were tangled quite complexly.

Roughly and roughly twisted, to the point where even I don't know where to start untangling them.

If I were to explain my inexplicable attraction to Belkellion—

All the things I'd kept pushing down inside myself, the things I'd forced myself to swallow and endure, would burst forth, and I was afraid of that. Dark and shabby complex emotions that couldn't be explained by rational attraction alone clung stickily to my affection for him.

It didn't choke me, but I couldn't breathe comfortably either - it bound me tightly with an uncomfortable tension.

Just looking at the edge of the knot that stuck out—

This one thing alone couldn't explain everything,

But still, I feel the need to explain this ridiculous fragment of emotion now.

It seems to confirm that this affection I'm showing this man isn't ugly or dirty. Because right now I need justification more than anything for being unable to cheer for and like him purely.

I project myself onto this man.

This man who had things taken away when he wished for them, who eventually stopped wishing for anything - he resembled me.

He resembled Lee Han-byeol from those days when she was hurt by the world's gaze and cowered.

Who wasn't loved by anyone,

So she trembled and clung to even the smallest warmth - he resembled that Lee Han-byeol.

Yes, he also resembled Alexa.

The innocent nature that didn't demand her rightful share despite being treated as unwanted was similar.

But Alexa isn't here, is she?

Alexa has changed. She was reborn as someone who can now claim what's rightfully hers.

Because I am Alexa.

Because I now live here as Alexa.

Lee Han-byeol, who lived desperately fighting the world, is dead.

I was glad of that fact.

Though among all the characters I could have been reincarnated into, I became a beast—

With unexpected hair removal, being a national bitch, broken engagements, experiencing all sorts of things,

Still, I was—

Chillingly glad that I was no longer Lee Han-byeol.

At first I struggled desperately to return, but as I lived as Alexa, that thought gradually faded.

I learned the sweetness of days when I could fall asleep without worrying about tomorrow.

Maybe I truly didn't want to return to the original world.

Here, there's no need to think about tomorrow.

No need to run seven tutoring sessions and satisfy hunger with shabby cup noodles every day,

No need to deal with drunk jerks and swallow tears silently on the bus home. No need to always be afraid like a hunted mouse because of debt collectors demanding interest,

And no need to become pathetic and wretched in love and friendship because of lack of money.

No need to live that anxious life where my breath rose up to my chin and I felt like I'd vomit blood at any moment.

And among all that, the fact that makes me happiest is—

That I am strong.

Alexa is stronger than anyone.

There's no one who can frighten me now.

No need to fear those thick hands that grabbed my nape,

Those cold hands that stroked up my thighs.

If there's anything that frightens me now...

That I might wake up and be back there again.

That when I open my eyes, what I see—

Isn't a gorgeous bed filled with golden frills, but a shabby 8-square-foot rooftop room.

That all this is just a momentary dream,

And from tomorrow I'll again be a poor orphan working part-time jobs until my body breaks,

That was so terrifying.

If I'm currently possessing Alexa's body, where is the original Alexa?

I stole Alexa's place.

If she demands that everything be returned to how it was, what should I do?

Could I return it without any qualms?

Having already tasted the sweetness of life, could I go back to that world and accept my shabby reality again?

Maybe that's why my heart goes out to Belkellion more.

I changed Alexa. This was my argument to the original Alexa.

See? I changed it. I accomplished what you couldn't.

So.

So this is mine.

It's mine because I worked for it.

You already lost your chance.

I swallow the nausea rising from ugliness.

It's not even something new. Lee Han-byeol always lived like that.

I'm ugly from birth.

The true monster might not be Alexa, but me.

Changing Alexa felt like diluting my original sin.

If I give her what she should have received, if I punish those who hurt her,

Won't Alexa forgive me?

Won't the god who sent me here forgive me too?

Won't they at least reduce my sentence?

My affection for Belkellion can't be said to be completely unrelated to Alexa's patterns either.

But what's certain is that even within this sticky whirlpool,

The desire for him to live properly, humanely, stabs at me.

I wish those jet-black eyes would contain something.

Since he's beautiful, I wish he could receive beautiful treatment.

I wish he wouldn't become like Lee Han-byeol, who swallowed darkness alone until she truly became darkness.

I wish he could be happy.

I wish he wouldn't be hurt anymore.

These fragments of affection springing toward him reminded me that I was still human.

Ah, I'm still someone who can pour out this kind of selfless affection on someone.

I'm not a monster.

I'm not ugly.

Not yet, anyway.

"Alexa?"

At some point, having closed my mouth with deepened eyes, Belkellion met my gaze.

I hurriedly lowered my eyes. I didn't particularly want him to see my abyss.

"It's just...that's how it is."

I concluded my words.

"......"

Belkellion maintained silence, then finally spoke.

"If I speak."

"......"

"You won't find it burdensome?"

Burdensome? Even this shrinking back in advance fear reminds me of my former self.

"Absolutely not."

"......"

I deliberately met his eyes. When his indifferent black pupils faced me, I smiled as prettily as I possibly could.

"Absolutely not."

"......"

"Hmm? Now tell me. You've built up enough suspense. It's not about wanting to win, and it's not about wanting to seduce monsters, so why on earth did you enter the forest?"

"......"

"Belkellion."

I gently rubbed the back of his hand with my thumb once more.

It wasn't that I had no intention of being coquettish (sorry for being this rotten even in this situation),

But I hoped his tension would ease even a little.

"...Alexa..."

What about me? Did I perhaps pressure him?

I wondered if I'd accidentally said something that burdened him.

"Alexa...chose me, didn't you?"

Yes, I did.

"...But if I...forfeit..."

Ah.

Even though his words are fragmentary and broken, I understand what he's trying to say.

"So right now, you're saying that you entered the forest taking risks because if you forfeited, people would mock me as Belkellion's partner?"

What I had thought 'surely not' earlier actually tumbled out of my mouth.

Belkellion closed his mouth.

Now his silence was just direct affirmation.

"...You really..."

As my voice began to tremble with apparent anger, he quickly added,

"I didn't want to put Alexa in a difficult position."

Words seemingly uttered without emotion, indifferently, but I could tell he truly thought that way. I felt a trace of anxiety in the black eyes that watched me. His gaze occasionally touched the wrist he was holding, as if worried I might shake off his hand and leave again.

Ah,

Lovable.

For a moment, the feeling that the man before me was lovable surged up.