FSW Chapter 35

Why is it that when the body weakens, a person becomes so terribly alone? On that day when fever rose and the whole world blurred hazily before her eyes, though cool cloths were placed on her forehead again and again, loneliness still struck—the feeling of being left utterly alone—and tears came unbidden.

As if the world would end at any moment, she clutched desperately at someone's hand—she didn't even know whose—and simply continued breathing with great difficulty.

Nishina recalled that old memory of nearly suffocating from loneliness. It wasn't exactly fear, nor bitterness. It was simply that on that day, Nishina had finally come to understand deeply the suffering of others. Not physical pain, but mental anguish.

Her face darkened like midnight as she recalled that distant emotion. That day when rain poured down, when he stood there receiving the downpour with nothing to shelter him—no, every moment she watched his retreating back, Nishina had to swallow down the negative emotions that swelled within her.

She swallowed and swallowed again until finally her throat closed up and tears gathered, and only then did the feelings she'd failed to hide leak out. Her troubled steps had brought her at last to Aiden's bedchamber. Before the firmly closed door stood several servants who could neither bring themselves to enter nor simply stand still, stamping their feet anxiously.

She'd heard Aiden had dismissed all the servants and attendants—it seemed he'd forbidden anyone's entry at all. Knights stood guard before the door, resolute.

"We greet Your Imperial Highness."

The servants and knights alike, who'd been at a loss for what to do, bowed when they discovered Nishina. She returned the greeting and immediately stepped before the door. However, the knights blocked her path with deeply troubled expressions.

"His Imperial Highness has commanded that no one be admitted."

They bowed their heads as if deeply apologetic. Yet their large bodies didn't budge even slightly.

Her mind was such a mess of anxiety and unease that she couldn't manage a gentle tone. Nishina looked up at them with cold eyes.

"I've only come to deliver medicine in the Imperial Physician's stead. Unless you plan to deliver it yourself, will you step aside?"

At her added words, they flinched. They wouldn't have the courage to enter a room the Prince had forbidden entry to, would they?

The usual Nishina would have been the same as them. Even without imagining it, she could see and hear his cold gaze and voice. Besides, she didn't want to provoke him further when he'd already be exhausted.

But if he was alone and sick inside—that changed everything. Nishina intended to enter that room somehow, even if it troubled the knights.

Fortunately, they stepped aside without much resistance. Their expressions seemed to say "is this really all right," but Nishina's actions were faster than their regrets.

Inside the room where not even a ray of sunlight entered, a single dim candle burned with a flame that seemed ready to go out at any moment. Melted wax dripped down, dirtying the candlestick. But it wasn't only the candle that was melting. On the large bed, Aiden lay alone beneath thick blankets unsuited to the season, groaning in pain.

The room with hardly any furniture was desolate. In that barren space where only the large bed existed, he looked like a child isolated on a remote island. It was a familiar sight. It was the same feeling that came whenever she left him in his office and departed.

He must have always suffered alone like this in the vast palace.

Gripping the candlestick, Nishina moved her steps carefully. She set the candle and medicine bottle on the bedside table and examined him.

His fever must have been quite high—he who would normally respond immediately to any presence showed no reaction at all. She gently touched her hand to his forehead, barely visible through a gap in the blankets. It was hotter than she'd imagined, enough to make her hand curl back reflexively.

As the unfamiliar warmth touched him, he seemed to regain some consciousness at last, and his eyes opened with difficulty. His long eyelashes moved several times before his gaze met Nishina's. Even in this state, he must have recognized who she was—he weakly pushed away Nishina's hand that had been resting nearby and asked with some harshness:

"...Who let you in."

His deeply furrowed brow and ice-cold gaze looked ready to rebuke the knights immediately. But at his hoarse voice, Nishina felt only heartache instead.

When sorrow reached its limit, it seemed even fear disappeared. Instead, her words came out more calmly than usual.

"I brought the medicine in the physician's stead."

At her matter-of-fact answer, vigilance sharpened even within his hazy focus. After several harsh coughs, Aiden drew a line with his badly cracked voice.

"I need neither medicine nor your help. Leave."

She'd expected his refusal. Nishina dispassionately recited the excuse she'd thought up on her way here, as if reading from a book.

"If you're ill, it will certainly interfere with your work. That would be a loss for everyone, so I'm simply helping."

Surely he would accept such a cold reason.

Perhaps thinking her words weren't exactly wrong, Aiden's eyes crinkled with irritation. Then, as if he had no strength left to argue, he downed the medicine bottle Nishina had brought in one go.

"Now leave."

He swallowed the bitter medicine that made one grimace at the smell alone, without water or candy, not leaving a single drop. Yet Nishina knew that vicious expression on his face came not from the medicine but from her.

Without answering or bidding farewell, Nishina left the room just as he'd told her to. Of course, she didn't intend to return home like this.

She asked a servant waiting outside for cold water and a cloth. A short while later, she returned to his side with the items they'd brought tucked under her arm, and found Aiden had fallen asleep again, breathing with difficulty—heated and labored.

With movements grown even more careful, she set down the basin of water and cloth on the table. Then she soaked a cloth in water, placed it on his forehead, and tucked the blankets around him more thoroughly.

Nishina gazed quietly at Aiden's face flickering in the dim candlelight. It had been truly ages since she'd seen his face without negative emotions written on it. She could no longer even remember what his smiling face looked like.

Of course that would be so. From the moment she remembered, he had always lived fiercely. Though barely two years older than her, he who'd had to become an adult early had grown into someone who must hide even being sick like this.

When she fell ill, her mother and Father and everyone would worry about her. It had actually been that way. Then why was there no one beside him? Her eyes burned as she looked at him sweating coldly. Her nose stung and her bitten lip finally split, bleeding.

It was sad. It was so sad that there wasn't a single person to stay by his side when he was lonely, struggling, in pain.

If he hated someone, she knew well that disappearing, becoming invisible—that would be what helped him. Yet clinging to the excuse that he wouldn't be able to distinguish who it was while sick, she firmly grasped his fevered hand.

She remembered Joy's words—that her own aching wouldn't make Aiden stop hurting. Even so, she would ache together with him, hoping he might be a little less lonely.

To you crossing the desert barefoot—if I can't even become a small shade for you, then I'll become a puddle that wets your parched feet, even if I must cry out loud to do it.

Please, let him be lonely no more. Let him not be alone anymore.

To a god she didn't even believe in, Nishina prayed like that all through the night.

It had been truly ages since he'd been ill. No—actually, he'd always been sick. He'd simply grown numb to pain as the suffering accumulated.

Then he must have reached his limit. When he'd barely closed his eyes at dawn, fever suddenly began rising and chill surged uncontrollably. Even curled up beneath the blankets, his body trembled as if someone were deliberately stealing his warmth away.

The headache also transcended imagination. If his brain were made of glass, he could confidently say it would have shattered to pieces—that's how severe the pain was. He gritted his teeth hard enough to make his molars ache and endured the symptoms. It was no different from any other night. Damn it all, once the sun rose again, it would return to normal quickly.

His prediction wasn't wrong in the slightest. Though the fever was worse than expected and tormented him, that was all. His hazy vision fixed on the glass window that had brightened at some point.

His head that had felt ready to split was relatively calm now, and the chill had passed. His throat still felt raw and he felt dizzy, but compared to yesterday it was practically normal.

So now he had to return to work. Having lost an entire day to an unexpected illness, there was no time to dawdle if he wanted to recover.

As he tried to sit up, he froze at the excessive warmth he felt in his right hand. The owner of the warmth enveloping his hand was Nishina. She'd fallen asleep haphazardly on the floor with her head resting on the edge of the bed.

At this surreal situation, his brow furrowed naturally. Moreover, he belatedly noticed something lukewarm covering his forehead. When he pulled it off, a water cloth still full of moisture came away in his hand.

Gripping the cloth, he frowned.

Last night—he vaguely remembered that Nishina had come. He couldn't recall the conversation clearly, but he'd certainly driven her away.

Why this child was sleeping in his room, whether he'd been nursed—he couldn't understand. No, he didn't want to understand.

The hot, damp warmth transferred through his palm was unpleasant. He thought he wanted to drive her out immediately, yet without making any particular movement, he gazed down in silence at the head sleeping soundly.

Perhaps sensing his presence, or because her position was uncomfortable—before long, Nishina's eyes opened gently.

For a moment unable to grasp the situation, she looked around blankly before her eyes met his. When she confirmed his calmed breathing and face that had regained its color, the corners of Nishina's eyes curved in a full arc.

Yes, she smiled that happily.

"Good morning, Brother."

At her bright greeting, he swallowed the words that rose unbidden. Since they weren't spoken, neither Nishina nor even Aiden himself could know the identity of those words that pooled in his throat.

'I told you to sleep in your own palace.'

Having spoken coolly and driven Nishina out, the first thing he did was wash. Having sweated profusely all night, his entire body felt clammy.

After finishing a light shower, he roughly pulled on a shirt. Because he'd slept longer than expected, it was already around lunchtime. In other words, there was no time to dawdle.

Knock knock—

As he mentally organized the urgent documents, he gave a perfunctory response to the presence beyond the door.

"Come in."

He'd thought they were bringing the outer coat he'd wear. But what the maid actually set on the table was a tray. When she lifted the lid, inside the white bowl steaming porridge and that same greenish medicine bottle sat waiting.

"What's this?"

"It's egg porridge."

"I didn't order any."

"Her Imperial Highness requested it."

The maid bowed and withdrew.

That child again. She'd grated on his nerves since morning. Even after being driven out, she seemed determined to torment him. As if it were something threatening, he stood at a distance and glared at the egg porridge wafting its savory aroma for quite some time. Then he exhaled a deep sigh and sat quietly before the porridge, lifting his spoon.

He had not even a speck of appetite, but if he took medicine on an empty stomach, the physician would nag. He also didn't have the time to spare having a meal prepared and brought. So this was simply an unavoidable choice to save such trouble—that's what it meant.

Though no one had said anything, Aiden made that excuse to himself and silently emptied the porridge.