RAMHM Chapter 31

Why This Man, Why On Earth This Man

Novian remained frozen, watching the mistress's retreating figure disappear into the distance.

'Just because I love you... doesn't mean you can treat me carelessly.'

"Ridiculous."

The gall of it—she who'd been desperate to become his, now daring to say such things? Novian's thin lips twisted with unmistakable mockery. He'd given her fine clothes, told her he was sorry, asked her to live with him—clearly she'd forgotten her place.

Slowly he straightened his posture, smoothing his clothing as if nothing had happened, and stepped out of the shadows. Leaning against the third-floor railing, his eyes gleamed darkly as they tracked the woman's form, now descended to the first floor.

I pushed through the crowd of dancers—wild, intoxicated—my heart hammering, and escaped outside. To calm the frantic beating, I paused, scanned my surroundings, then turned my steps toward a secluded garden. Since the kiss with Novian at the victory ceremony, the Imperial Palace hadn't exactly been a repository of fond memories for me—but tonight, I thought, perhaps that would change. If not for that incident, the palace would have been a place of excitement for me, after all.

Whatever my feelings, my feet naturally followed a familiar path, leading me somewhere specific. Beyond the grand Atilchard Hall where the lavish party raged, down the secluded garden path, lay a cluster of annexes reserved for guests. The most tucked-away annex was small and ancient, practically a ruin—and the little garden attached to it, filled more with verdant trees than flowers, saw no visitors save the gardener who came once a month. I called it "the little forest."

As a child, when I occasionally accompanied Father to the palace, I would wait for him and then secretly slip into this place. Someone was always there. An. Novian, who had once been my perfect lover—my husband.

When my thoughts inevitably circled back to Novian, I bit my lip hard and stopped abruptly at the entrance to the little forest. The early winter night was bitterly cold, and the entrance was tangled with hardy green vines that survived even winter's bite, releasing a crisp, fresh scent. It was a scent I longed for. Perfect for calming my agitated heart—but it brought back memories of Novian, and that hurt.

I hate Novian enough to want him dead, but An from those days—I can't hate him at all.

I had to admit it. I'd loved him from so long ago, and that was why it hurt more. I clenched both fists meaninglessly, trembling. Of course it would hurt—cutting Novian completely from my heart, the man who'd given me the most radiant, beautiful memories of my life.

So of course it's this agonizing, this exhausting.

No matter how much I discarded, I couldn't throw away the old memories with Novian. Discarding those memories would be like discarding all the happy childhood moments when I'd been Adrienne.

I'll abandon Novian Trovika later—make him utterly miserable. That won't change.

I worked hard to steady myself, but the feeling was hollow—as if memories once rainbow-bright had turned monochrome in an instant. Weakness flooded my entire body. Thinking of him as my first love, my lover, I finally took one frozen step forward—and in the little forest, so full of verdant life, there was an unexpected person.

"...Your Imperial Highness, the Second Prince?"

Rhodness, leaning crookedly against the largest tree. His luxurious dress uniform jacket hung open, and the shirt beneath was disheveled enough that anyone would think he'd been rolling around with someone. I remembered his reputation as a notorious rake and naturally glanced around. Contrary to expectation, there was no woman in similar disarray.

Alcohol...

I thought I'd seen him earlier, talking with the Emperor, grabbing a bottle from a passing attendant and drinking straight from it. Had they discussed something unpleasant? Even when I called to him, he only stared at me entering with pupils hazy as if in a dream.

How did he know about this place? No—wait, for a prince who'd lived in the palace over twenty years, was that even a valid question? Feeling oddly self-conscious, and curious that he knew of this spot, I spoke first.

"How did you end up in a place like this... Your Highness? You seem quite drunk."

"No, no... sit."

Definitely drunk. Rhodness's behavior was crooked, willful, and arrogant—but despite being imperial, he'd never spoken down to me. Seeing this inhumanly beautiful prince reduced to this state by alcohol, I thought, well, he's only human after all, and moved a bit closer, standing before him.

"Today... thank you so much, Your Highness."

"...Sit. Stay beside me."

At my thanks, Rhodness spoke with something almost like pleading.

"!"

Seeing his hand unhesitatingly grab the hem of my dress, the melancholy that had weighed on me moments ago lifted slightly. A laugh escaped at this surprisingly human side of him.

He's not in his right mind.

Looking at his face, flushed red from drink, my barely-calmed heart began racing again. Tonight was the first time since my reincarnation that I'd accomplished something—maybe I could indulge his drunken rambling.

Without his help, seeing that expression on Novian's face would have been difficult. And perhaps his help was why I'd drawn more attention, why the offer to serve as lady-in-waiting to the Crown Princess had come. Thinking this, I sat beside him, keeping a slight distance.

Once I settled quietly next to him, thankfully the beautiful prince's drunken fussing quieted. And that brief silence felt strangely ticklish.

Suddenly my heart began beating even faster. I pressed my hand to my chest. Did this body have a weak heart? I was seriously considering seeing a physician when suddenly there was rustling in the nearby bushes—and an enormous ball of fur burst out with a pop!

"Ah!"

Huff! Huff! Huff! Whine! Wheeeee!! The massive furball was a large dog. While I stood frozen with my mouth open in surprise, the huge dog leapt into my arms as if reuniting with an owner it hadn't seen in years, whining and licking my neck and face frantically. I grabbed its body to calm it down and met its eyes. And immediately had to clutch my startled chest.

It looks so much like Cowan.

This dog bore a striking resemblance to Cowan's golden fur—the puppy An used to secretly raise in the palace. Was Cowan doing well? I'd heard he'd taken him to the northern Trovika estate, worried I might be concerned. I wanted to lavish affection on this substitute, but feeling Rhodness's hazy gaze on me, I pressed my lips shut. Instead, I pulled the huge dog into an embrace and petted it enthusiastically.

"Oh, what a pretty thing. What an adorable dog you have here, Your Highness."

"......"

"You're so cute!"

I spoke brightly, but no response came. As the enormous dog clung to me, whining in a way that belied its size, I petted it more fervently, silently showering it with affection. But Rhodness beside me was strangely, excessively quiet. And then suddenly—

"...Adrienne."

A low voice, instantly suffocating, reached me. The fresh air of the little forest grew heavy at a terrifying speed. My hand stroking the fur slowed as if sinking into a deep swamp. My heart pounded as if lodged in my ears. Another drunken ramble, surely. I deliberately thought this and didn't look at him.

"Adrienne..."

The darkly roughened voice mercilessly burrowed into my ears again. It was a voice I couldn't help but turn toward—so desperate.

The night of my funeral. That cold night, left alone waiting for Novian, I'd craved my name—and now, in that silence then and this silence now, it scraped from Rhodness's throat like a plea. My heart went completely wild, thrashing madly.

Without question, Bliea Acacia had something wrong with her heart. I pressed my cold, sweat-dampening hand firmly against my chest and slowly turned my head toward that voice.

"...!"

What I turned to see were red eyes—far too clear and vivid to dismiss as drunken rambling, staring at me as if he were perfectly sober. Between him and me, silence flowed instead of air.

"...It's strange."

The eyes gleaming beneath the tree's shadow were enough to instill fear in anyone, but his face looked precarious—like standing on thinly frozen lake ice. I wasn't the only one visibly trembling. The man who'd danced with precision, not a misstep—who'd stood indifferently, crookedly among the imperials—his large, solid body was shaking finely. In the whites of his eyes, originally clean, fatigue showed, and blood vessels crawled up in fine threads.

"Am I... truly mad?"

And before the words fully ended, thin trails of tears streamed from those eyes—again and again. I'd seen this man trembling and crying before my gravestone from a distance, but this was the first time I'd faced his tears so close.

Under the faint moonlight, more brilliant than the moon itself, this man with his flushed face shedding tears looked like a kind of phantasm.

"If I'm not mad..."

I stared at him blankly, my face surely looking as if I were the one crying. Even without a mirror, I must have looked that way. I felt as if someone were gripping and wringing my tear ducts and face mercilessly. Seeing his tears this close was so sorrowful, so beautiful, it could shake anyone's heart.

"Why do my eyes..."

And his gaze, frantically searching my face, bound me as if it were rope.

"Why on earth..."

I couldn't say anything, just stared at him blankly.

"Do I... see you as Adrienne?"

Watching Rhodness speak in anguish and bury his face in both hands, turning his gaze from me—it stabbed my eyes mercilessly. As if someone grabbed my brain, kneaded it, gripped my throat tight—my mind grew distant.

Simultaneously, an indescribable, strange grief struck me. Ah. Ahhh. Why this man. Why on earth this man. What are you to me. What are you. Those words I'd wanted to hear from the husband I'd loved nearly my whole life. Every single time, like this. Something I'd been holding inside burst out. Finally it soaked even my cheeks. I was shaken more than I'd ever startled myself.

Seeing Rhodness suffering so, over me—someone who didn't even know he existed—naturally reminded me of all the times I'd wept over Novian, who couldn't recognize me. My breath grew labored. Had I gotten drunk on that single glass of champagne I'd shared with the ladies at the party? My head spun, and my heart leapt from my toes to my head. Was that why?

"...What if I really am Adrienne?"

Wiping the tears quickly from my cheeks, I blurted out words I couldn't even understand myself—impulsively.