RAMHM Chapter 38

A New Truth

After that exhausting teatime, I received permission to leave and departed the Crown Princess's Palace. It was the first time I'd engaged in such prolonged social activities in this new body, and it had been mentally draining.

But there was no denying I'd achieved tangible results. While I couldn't say I'd fully gained Doris's trust yet, the mere fact that I could enter the Trovika Grand Ducal Estate with legitimate authority meant I'd taken another step closer to my goal. I considered returning to the estate to send Rhodness news of this development by letter, but instead, my excited steps quickened toward the direction of the Second Prince's Palace.

Since I was posing as his new lover, my visit wouldn't seem entirely out of place. Following childhood memories through a shortcut, I stopped in my tracks when I caught sight of glittering golden hair.

'Rhodness!'

At the far end of a dark, desolate open-air corridor, Rhodness stood vacantly before an enormous portrait. And the subject of that portrait was Her Imperial Majesty Empress Letina. This was a section connected to the buildings of the old Empress's Palace. I stood wordlessly, as if entranced, watching his retreating form.

Though it was the back of a robust man, something about it seemed unbearably lonely. He didn't even notice I was approaching. Normally, he would have detected my presence immediately. I didn't know what possessed me to draw near to him. Wasn't the reason he stood before his mother's portrait obvious?

And suddenly, I realized—Rhodness always longed for the dead. Having seen only his longing for Adrienne, now witnessing him mourn his dead mother, indescribable compassion welled up within me. Just when I'd thought no one in this world could be as unhappy as I was, seeing Rhodness's glittering, sorrowful figure made it impossible to stop that thought. An impulse rose within me—to approach him, to offer comfort.

"...Your Highness?"

His back, which had been shrouded in darkness, flinched, and his face turned halfway into the light.

"!"

I stopped breathing for a moment. His inhumanly perfect face was twisted—contorted. Had I seen it head-on, I would have quietly withdrawn, that's how rigidly frozen it was. But having already spoken, I couldn't simply turn away now.

"Are... are you all right?"

"......"

He forced away the twisted expression and stared at me. An impulse seized me—to bring him out of those dark shadows into this sunlight where I stood.

"If you're all right, then—"

"Continue on your way."

But he spoke coldly, as if he knew exactly what I'd been about to say.

"Is something wrong?"

I couldn't leave him so easily. I didn't know why. Perhaps I'd simply overlaid my own image onto his suffering figure—the young Grand Duchess Adrienne who'd once longed for anyone to pull her out. Did I see myself in him? The thought dominated my mind—I just wanted to make him feel a little better.

Though the eyes watching me held freezing wind, his eye rims were flushed with heat. Eyes weeping without tears.

"If you need my help—"

"What could you possibly give me?"

"...!"

At this unfamiliar version of Rhodness, I lost my words momentarily, looking up at him. His cold gaze struck my chest like ice crystals—so cold, so cold.

Cold. And painful. He was right—I couldn't give him anything right now. Thinking back, I'd only ever received help from him; not once had I been of any use to him.

'Just like when I was Adrienne and couldn't do anything for Novian.'

Even with this healthy body, the fact that I couldn't give anything to someone I was grateful to suddenly struck me with bone-deep pain. Rhodness's and my gazes tangled chaotically.

Adrienne, whom he'd claimed to love so much. And Bliea, her rival—what was he thinking as he looked at her? Contempt. Revulsion. Anger. Rejection. All the shields I'd built around myself with the truth only I knew—they crumbled away.

Yes, to him I was only Bliea Acacia. I was already inadequate to make him forget Adrienne. My pitiful compassion for him must seem laughable.

"I'm sorry, Your Highness."

I offered words that seemed appropriate enough between us. His crimson eyes still watched me.

"I only... you seemed unwell, and I wanted to help."

"......"

"Please forgive my impropriety."

I bowed my head to him with utmost courtesy. Unable to bear looking up at his face, I fled quickly before even raising my head fully. Tears I hadn't known I was holding back streamed down my cheeks.

Having entered Bliea's body and now feeling hated by the person I'd come to rely on most recently—I felt achingly, devastatingly lonely. I had no right to pity him. The one who was devastatingly lonely wasn't him—it was me.

As he'd said, Bliea Acacia was a woman who, even with a healthy body, couldn't give anything to those she was grateful to. And that fact felt like it was tearing my chest apart.

Bliea Acacia had left. Rhodness couldn't even withdraw his outstretched hand—he simply froze in place. After standing that way for a long while, he finally drew back his hand and buried his face in it.

'I took my anger out on the wrong person.'

He felt savage self-contempt. When those jade-green eyes asked if he was all right, his heart had stirred, and he'd nearly blurted out that no, he wasn't all right. The woman who might have hurt Adrienne. His uncle's mistress—even that thought had flown far away. In this unexpected encounter, he'd nearly seized the person offering unexpected comfort and confessed he wasn't all right at all.

'It's impossible.'

Even before he'd consciously registered her as "someone who resembles Adrienne," Rhodness's heart had already moved.

"Impossible."

The voice that escaped dissolved before reaching his ears.

'Hey, are you okay?'

'The ballroom's that way?'

'Is something wrong?'

The annual New Year's masked ball. So soon after his mother's funeral that he couldn't bear to attend—that day when he'd crouched here alone, weeping.

'Need help?'

Along with an irritable-eyed boy with different jade-green eyes, a girl had passed by and extended her hand to him. That very girl he'd seen at the Academy. Behind her mask, the girl didn't recognize him, but behind his mask, he'd recognized her instantly. Though it was just a flimsy colored film covering her eyes, the girl was unmistakably Adrienne.

'Need help?'

Rhodness recalled how the entire world had brightened in that moment, even as savage sorrow poured through him now. He buried his contorted face in his now-grown hands. Then, leaning his head against his mother's portrait, he let silent tears fall.

Himself that day—too ashamed to run and hide when he saw Adrienne extend her hand. And himself now—his heart dropping with a thud the moment he saw Bliea's eyes extending her hand in this same place. He couldn't forgive either version of himself.

'Help me...'

Because that one phrase was so impossibly difficult. Because extending a hand just once was so unbearably hard.

'Hey, are you okay?'

'Are... are you all right?'

He wasn't all right. Something had gone terribly wrong. Rhodness wasn't all right at all right now.

Walking the vast Imperial Palace aimlessly, the place I finally arrived at was, naturally, the most familiar spot in the entire palace—the "little forest."

Though I had a mountain of tasks waiting at the estate, I couldn't stop my feet from heading here. Because nowhere else could comfort me. Just as I was about to enter the forest entrance, I heard signs of movement from the direction of the detached palace where no one should be, and I hid myself among the vines.

"You fool! You should go back where you came from! His Highness isn't here today!"

"Woof—! Woof woof—!"

"Don't talk back! I walk you and feed you more often than your master, you ungrateful—"

"Woof! Woof woof! Whine! Whiiine!"

"Just because your master's acting strange doesn't mean you should too...! Damn it! Hey!"

The sound of a large dog whining and barking, along with a man's voice being dragged helplessly by the dog's strength. When I peeked my head out, I soon recognized a familiar face, and my tears instantly dried.

"...Sir Neil?"

It was Neil, one of Rhodness's aides. He seemed to be walking a large dog on a long leash around the detached palace grounds.

"That's the dog from back then..."

"Woof! Woof woof—!"

Just as Neil's figure was about to disappear, the barking dog began to thrash wildly and charged toward me.

"Wh-what? This beast!"

In that instant, Neil lost his grip on the leash, his eyes going wide as he chased after, but I could only stare vacantly at the scene, slowly backing away.

"Woof! Woof woof—!"

Because the dog with fur resembling Cowan was galloping toward me with its tongue lolling out cheerfully—so very cheerfully.

"Wh-whoa, whoa?! Watch out!"

Panicked, Neil sprinted at full speed, but it was no use. The four-legged creature reached me faster and pounced. I sat down hard enough to make a thud, and could only sit there stunned as the dog frantically licked my cheek, whining.

"This crazy—! Cowan! COWAN!! Stop!"

An unbelievable name came from Neil's mouth.

"...Countess... Acacia?!"

His voice calling my name didn't reach my ears—my heart was pounding far too fast.

"Just now, what did you just call this dog?"

"Are you all right? No, Cowan's not usually like this... he's normally quite gentle, but ever since early winter he's been acting like he caught heat or something, suddenly dragging me toward this detached palace..."

Flustered, Neil—who always looked at me with guarded eyes—hastily grabbed Cowan's leash, gripping it tightly as he babbled incoherently.

"This dog's name is Cowan?"

"...Yes? Yes, it's Cowan. He may be this big, but he still thinks he's a puppy... Are you hurt anywhere?"

Impossible. Though he had the same golden fur, Cowan had been such a small puppy—scrawny and pitiful, even limping...! And Novian had said Cowan had been sent to the Trovika estate! Only then did I finally meet the eyes of Cowan, who kept whining and trying to reach me. His jet-black eyes seemed to glisten with tears—or perhaps that was my imagination.

"Co... wan...?"

"Woof! Woof! Woof woof—!"

Still sitting, the dog raised his front paws and barked, as if overjoyed that I'd recognized him. It was Cowan. Definitely Cowan. His fur had grown quite long, and what had lost its luster now gleamed golden. His jet-black eyes sparkled, and he'd eaten well, recovered his body, and grown into a proper adult dog.

"Wasn't this dog at the Trovika estate? Did the Grand Duke bring him?"

"Pardon? What do you mean?"

Neil, who'd been extending his hand to help me up, tilted his head in confusion. Meanwhile, taking advantage of the loosened leash, Cowan rubbed his cheek against my skirt hem, whining.

"Cowan has always been our dog emper—no, His Highness Rhodness's dog. As far as I know, he's never once left this Imperial Palace since His Highness took him in. Perhaps you're mistaken?"

I slowly released Neil's hand that had been supporting me. The golden fur touching my fingertips felt incredibly soft. The moment the fur touched my hand, the dog licked it, whining.

But I felt no sensation at all. It felt as if all the blood rapidly circulating through my body had drained away. Soon my entire body began trembling. I clenched my fists trying to stop the shaking even a little. An indescribable tingling sensation rose from the crown of my head to the tips of my toes.

Inside the little forest. An, who'd kept Cowan. Cowan's master, Rhodness. The truth—nothing but confusion—pierced through my body like lightning.