RAMHM Chapter 44

Don't Think

We stayed together until morning brightened.

Though I felt somewhat sorry for the coachman, we sat like that for quite a while in the carriage below Starlight Hill. I waited quietly for Rhodness, his sturdy body bent, to organize his thoughts.

I stared at the blood dried stiffly between his unbuttoned shirt. The blood that had been circulating rapidly inside suddenly chilled cold. Important matters bursting in succession—while my attention was briefly diverted, a thought I'd pushed aside to one corner of my mind surfaced, and chills seemed to spread through my entire body. Rhodness dying following me, or dying from self-contempt.

Neither was what I'd wanted. Rhodness, pressing both hands to his temples and sunk in anguish, occasionally lifted his head to gaze at me. I tried to smile as if fine, but I wasn't fine at all.

However things turned out, I had to return to the Grand Ducal Estate like this and accomplish my other purpose. What should Rhodness and I do going forward? The enormous love he'd shown me and Novian's betrayal—whom I'd once loved with my everything—sharply crashed as waves in opposite directions in my heart.

Tender feelings toward An, longing for those brilliant days, and rational attraction toward him approaching more magnificently than I'd imagined. All of it reached my heart distinctly, like stamping seals.

But as long as I had unpaid debts with Novian, I didn't yet have the emotional capacity to begin a new love. Perhaps Rhodness had fallen into such worries as well. Emotions were emotions, and reality couldn't be ignored.

Second Prince Rhodness, the brother most beloved by the Crown Prince. Could the status of the woman 'Bliea Acacia' beside such a Rhodness even be appropriate?

After Empress Letina passed away, could Rhodness—who'd lived so diligently to stay by the Crown Prince's side, his most relied-upon family—abandon all his family to stay beside Bliea Acacia, not even Adrienne? Even if he came, would I be happy? Hitting the fundamental problem, I felt somewhat stifled even after revealing the truth.

"…Don't."

"!"

I must have unconsciously fallen into thought and made a serious expression. Rhodness, who'd straightened his waist to sit, was staring at me as if shooting.

"Wh-what?"

When I answered like a child caught doing wrong, Rhodness rose abruptly and stood before me. The carriage provided by the Grand Ducal Estate was wide and large enough that even with his tall height standing, his head didn't touch the ceiling. Looking up at him—dizzyingly high—his dry, well-shaped lips parted.

"That thing you're thinking right now."

"What, how do you know what I'm thinking?"

"…I'm holding back a lot."

The low voice clearly originating far higher than my crown seemed to reverberate the entire carriage, thrilling from the floor up to my heart.

"Holding back what?"

"Wanting to grab you like prey, bind your arms and legs tight, and take you to my residence."

"!"

The words 'like prey' pierced especially deeply. In Ronteaux, when they caught long-legged beasts, they bound the legs backward… I recalled how he'd restrained my arms behind my back every time I encountered him unexpectedly. Ha. The serious atmosphere suddenly broke apart.

To think he'd been treating me as prey to be caught all this time… Feeling somewhat indignant looking up at him, Rhodness had already bent one knee to match my height, sitting before me. Even bent and sitting like that, he rose higher than my seated height. I felt anew that he was a very large man.

"So whatever you're thinking, stop."

"How do you know what I'm thinking…"

"You seem about to disappear like this."

As I flinched briefly, Rhodness placed his hand on my knee and gripped it tightly. It didn't hurt, but I felt strong force.

"Whether you move to a male body or some absurd beast-like thing, I don't care."

"……What are you suddenly saying?"

"Your soul. No, you. I don't care wherever you move…"

Rhodness's face, which had looked solid, was gradually crumbling. Hadn't he become alright? Rhodness, tensing his jaw, visibly raised the tendons in his neck taut and embraced me just like that.

"Wh-what are you……."

"……So just don't think anything and don't try to disappear."

"!"

"The first time and second time were both too difficult…"

"An!"

At the name An, Rhodness immediately responded, confining me more strongly to his solid chest.

"Don't… try to abandon me three times."

Foolishly thinking Novian was An and giving him my heart. And dying for whatever reason. Both times, Rhodness expressing them as abandoning him—I felt like going mad from pity. Did I deserve to receive such love?

"Don't think."

"!"

As if reading my mind, Rhodness's voice pouring over my crown was firm.

"I'll do all the thinking. I'll take care of everything…"

Embraced so tightly I couldn't even squirm, I had to breathe somewhat heavily. Not knowing whose heartbeat it was, the sound embedded distinctly in my ears, and my face was steadily heating.

"……Just stay where my eyes can see you."

The carriage stopped in front of the Grand Ducal Estate, but neither of us got out. Anticlimactic after embracing for so long, Rhodness sat across from me detachedly, watching me as if monitoring.

"Whatever excuse I use…… preventing you from being entangled with the Grand Duke alone is nothing."

"…Are you trying to send me fleeing?"

"You, alone?"

Rhodness laughed as if somewhat absurd. But his stiffened face remained as it was.

"I should take you with me."

"Would His Imperial Highness the Prince elope with a noblewoman who's married with a husband?"

"If I do it, everyone will think it's just like me—I'm a problem child."

His face was too serious; it was absurd. I shook my head lightly and briefly cast my gaze to the Grand Ducal Estate visible through the window.

"An."

I called him, but there was no answer.

"Whether I really died from illness, or if not, why I died…"

My throat suddenly tightened.

"Why Novian told such lies…… I want to know."

"I'll…"

"You can't."

Our gazes tangled dizzily. I clenched both fists and opened my mouth.

"Novian is the Crown Prince's man."

"……."

As Rhodness's mouth closed immediately, I smiled gently.

"Whatever way you move, you and His Highness the Crown Prince will both become uncomfortable."

No matter how much Rhodness helped me, ultimately this was my fight. These were emotions I could absolutely never shake off unless I uncovered and punished them myself. Unless I cleaned away these wretched, messy emotions, I couldn't form a relationship under the name of 'love' even with An.

"Until these matters end…… we're still good friends, right?"

"…Friends."

Rhodness gazed at me, repeating the word low and ominously.

"……If that's what you want to do."

A slight chill came.

"But I can't wait long."

"Wh-what……?"

"So use me."

"!"

"Incomparably more than until now."

Only after Rhodness descended from the Grand Ducal Estate's carriage could I finally escape the suffocating air inside the carriage. I'd just barely talked him out of entering the Grand Ducal Estate together and returned.

"Where have you been since morning?"

"……."

Upon entering the main building entrance, I silently removed my coat and handed it to the butler Gaspar, who stuck to me.

"Where are the maids, Yona?"

"They're all resting in their rooms."

"They seem to have rested too long."

Yona nodded resolutely and immediately ran to fetch the maids. Gaspar still stood dazedly, as if he couldn't believe I'd entrusted my coat and ignored his words.

"The house seems busy."

Not an idle comment—strangely, servants had been moving busily since morning.

"This afternoon, His Imperial Highness the Crown Prince is scheduled to visit."

"His Highness the Crown Prince? Why wasn't I given prior notice?"

"We received word of his visit this morning. Since he visits so frequently, it's routine for the Grand Ducal Estate."

Ah. Watching the maids beginning to waddle into the drawing room, I suddenly thought:

'There seems to be more than one reason Doris deliberately sent me to the Grand Ducal Estate.'

She's curious what the Crown Prince and Grand Duke are actually doing.

There's no help without reason.

What if the reason for deliberately placing Bliea Acacia—who has no backing—in the Grand Duchess position was to monitor her husband? I walked toward the trembling maids and stood before Annie. Her appearance, trembling finely yet biting her lips firmly, was considerably more respectful than before.

"How impressive that you knew where the corpse was, thank you."

Annie's face lifted sharply. Annie, wetting her rough, bone-white dry lips with her tongue, opened and closed her mouth as if wanting to say something.

"I, I…"

And I smiled kindly as if I'd grant anything.

"Was there really a corpse there…?"

"Oh my, what do you take me for?"

I buried myself in a nearby sofa, conscious of Gaspar and the other servants' gazes.

"On such a dark night, why would I fearfully search for a corpse? Thinking about it, I only have a few days left in this mansion…"

I sipped the tea Marge had brewed and continued as if annoyed.

"When His Grace doesn't even welcome me, there's no need to invite dislike by searching for Her Grace the Grand Duchess's corpse. Better to spend that time making acquaintances with the grand nobles visiting the Grand Ducal Estate."

Annie, her spirit notably more deflated than before, seemed to scrutinize my expression carefully. I set down the teacup and surveyed Annie's group.

"Your loyalty to your deceased mistress was quite impressive. I didn't think you'd last so long."

Eyes startled and flinching all turned toward me.

"But you'll have to serve a new mistress someday, won't you? If you cooperate from now on……."

I smiled kindly.

"I'll speak well of you to Her Majesty the Empress. Do you understand what I mean?"

The demons of the Grand Ducal Estate desiring status elevation. I felt certain that using their three-inch tongues and busybody eyes and ears, I could obtain whatever Doris wanted.

"And Annie."

"Y-yes?"

"I thought I'd particularly like to use you for bigger matters."

Annie's pupils, colored with confusion, shook violently. The more they did, the more deeply I smiled. I recalled Annie's face smiling at me while receiving Novian's coat when I was groaning in pain.

"Do you understand what this means too?"

A maid who doesn't know her place, desperately wanting to climb higher, would have many uses. After that, I gave the maids free time.

"Madam, I saw Annie trying to leave the Grand Ducal Estate."

At Yona's whisper, I nodded slowly. Sticking my head out the window, I saw Annie with a flushed face crossing the garden toward the entrance with quick steps.

"I'll go out like this."

"What?"

"I'll return before His Highness the Crown Prince arrives."

I finished preparing to follow Annie. To whom would she report this news first?