RAMHM Chapter 64

Why Did You Betray Me?

Inside this bedroom—the most familiar space in the Grand Ducal estate—there was nothing she didn't already know. Even after rolling up her sleeves and spending considerable time searching every corner, there were no unusual traces or special items.

'I might actually have to soak in that bath water I had drawn.'

Her body was drenched in sweat despite early winter. She wiped the perspiration from her forehead and caught her breath. As she looked around carefully to see if she'd missed anything, only one place remained unchecked—beneath the thick carpet spread wide. It occupied such a large portion of the bedroom's center that she wondered, could there really be something under this massive carpet? But thinking she should search thoroughly without exception, she began straining to lift the edges. And in that instant—

Thunk—

Something collided against the bedroom door from outside. The clink clink that followed was unmistakably the sound of someone fumbling through a key ring.

Since the surroundings were so quiet and the presence outside made no attempt to muffle their movements, the sounds struck her ears with piercing clarity. She quickly straightened the carpet edge she'd lifted. The distance to the bathroom was a bit too far to go now.

Click—

"!"

At the sound of the door's lock opening, she immediately hid in a nearby wardrobe. Though breathless, unable to exhale loudly, she covered both nose and mouth with her hands and released shallow breaths into her palms.

Though she'd clearly heard the door open, the presence didn't enter for a long while—standing outside the door before slowly entering the room. Through the gaps in the wardrobe's ventilation slats, the person who'd entered became visible.

'...Novian.'

It was Novian. More time passed before he closed and locked the door again. As if time moved differently outside and inside with the wardrobe door between them, Novian's movements were extremely slow. Having caught her ragged breathing in the meantime, she stilled all sound and wrapped her arms around herself.

Through the ventilation slats, she could see the entrance where he'd come in and the bed where she'd lain for two full years. Novian collapsed onto the bed with a half-empty liquor bottle in his hand. Soon he pulled a pill bottle from his coat, shook several into his mouth, then downed the remaining alcohol in one gulp. After breathing roughly for some time, his swaying torso finally toppled onto the bed.

"...en."

"......"

"...Adrienne."

Panting as if he'd run at full sprint, he soon began murmuring something, then started sobbing quietly. She froze like a taxidermied beast trapped in a cage, watching that spectacle.

Until the sky darkened from sunset, his low sobbing showed no sign of stopping. Whether he'd already drunk heavily before arriving, the alcohol smell filled even the wardrobe interior—she almost felt drunk herself.

'Why, now of all times.'

If she'd seen this appearance a bit earlier, what would she have been like? Would she have been so distressed for him that she couldn't bear it—would she have told him her current situation regardless of whether he thought her mad?

'Considering those foolish past days, I easily could have.'

This churning inside her since earlier was clearly her insides twisting at the ugly sight of him. What courage arose? She opened the wardrobe door and crossed the dim bedroom without a single candle. The strange medicinal smell and alcohol scent piercing her nose so strongly her nostrils stung.

"...ienne. Adrienne, Adrienne...!"

"Novian."

The heaving chest and sobbing stopped abruptly. Novian lifted his head, which had been buried, and his eyes already lacked focus. But his contorted expression revealed clearly enough how tormented he was—which made anger surge higher.

She couldn't understand what he'd done so well to miss, to cry over.

"...Why did you betray me?"

Novian's gasping breaths stopped—just like that—in that moment.

After that, Novian truly began wailing as if facing her ghost. The wailing grew louder until it shook the bedroom floor, so she approached a bit closer to calm him. Before someone heard the noise and came to check, she wanted to talk a little more. Perhaps she could learn why he'd killed her. Why he'd secretly kept a mistress.

"Be...trayal?"

The voice he barely forced out like retching sounded pitifully wretched. Novian gripped the bed sheet with both hands and began laughing, shoulders shaking. He looked insane.

"That sort of thing—you can only speak of it when you loved me. Back when you did."

The voice leaking out with hollow laughter faded to almost nothing, then grew loud again.

"You never—loved me. Adrienne. Adrienne... I've never once possessed anything of my own. You were no exception."

She looked down at him with a chilly expression, saying nothing.

"But I wasn't like that. At least I—I loved you. Even now, even now... If that weren't true, just look at me! Unable to sleep without alcohol, meeting you only in hallucinations like this, yet pathetically... having no choice but to sleep this way!"

"What about you keeping a mistress?"

"...That woman is merely your substitute."

She laughed bitterly. Facing Novian with his mind gone, she could hear this many words—thinking how she'd humored and dragged things out all this time was ridiculous.

"That substitute is about to become the real Grand Duchess now. So? Are you satisfied?"

While claiming to love her, he'd overlooked every reckless thing that woman did, indulged her, and ultimately couldn't discard her. She curled her lips mockingly and continued.

"Wouldn't that mean you love that woman rather than me?"

"No!!"

Novian wailed with half his mind gone, eyes turning bloodshot.

"No, no... no! Adrienne."

Novian flailed his hands as if trying to grasp her though she stood several steps away, desperately trying to catch her. And like before, he muttered ceaselessly. She waited patiently for Novian. He swayed where he sat. Though he didn't seem capable of speaking properly, the strength with which he thought and spoke seemed almost remarkable.

"But..."

After shaking his head and muttering for a long while, comprehensible words finally began flowing from Novian's mouth.

"But what... could I do?"

Staring not at her but at empty air, blinking slowly, another bitter laugh burst from Novian's mouth.

"When everything I possess is an illusion."

"......"

"Without the Emperor. Without the Crown Prince, a person who can possess nothing. That's me, Adrienne."

She stubbornly watched this utterly unfamiliar Novian. Truly so unfamiliar she couldn't look away. The sincerity spilling from a person without any cracks made feelings strange.

"Staining my hands with blood in place of the Emperor who pretends benevolence. I must raise the Emperor's son—not mine—as the next Emperor. That path will flow with rivers of blood too. Even striving so, working so hard... all I can possess is the barren North that can be seized at any moment with one word from the Emperor, and this massive Grand Ducal estate..."

Having never heard such words from him before, she simply listened quietly to what he said. Emotions surging up, he climbed down from the bed and stood staggering—but properly upright. Only briefly though, as he swayed as if he'd topple at the slightest push. She watched plainly and didn't catch him.

"Even this, subjected to all manner of interference and surveillance. Not a single servant chosen by my own hand. Surrounded by things that are mine yet not mine, in this false life, how could I..."

Novian, who'd walked to her desperately to avoid falling, gripped both her shoulders tightly.

"What could I do. What, what could I..."

Novian's face, repeating the same words, was right before her nose. The terrible alcohol and medicine smell seemed ready to invade even her mind. Had it been before, she would have embraced him and wept together at this pitifully wretched confession—but perhaps because she'd already received several worse shocks? No matter how long she listened, in the end, it was only endless excuses.

Remembering how he'd killed her. How he'd kept another woman as his mistress and let her mock her in that diary. How Rhodness nearly died from misunderstandings he'd created—she absolutely couldn't view the man before her kindly.

"...Right, what could you do. No matter how much you call and search for me, I'm already dead. So now try placing that substitute beside you and seeking even trivial happiness."

'Though you'll be consumed by despair that even that substitute isn't yours.'

She smiled quite tenderly. Watching her face smiling as she spoke, Novian stood still—having stopped his swaying as if receiving a slight shock. What pooled between them was endless silence. Blinking slowly, Novian suddenly clutched his head.

Seeing his dark blue eyes about to roll back, she firmly pushed Novian's chest right before her nose, sending him toward the bed. After swaying several times, Novian collapsed unconscious on the bed, still clutching his head. She tried shaking him awake, but he didn't move at all—as if frozen in that state. She looked down numbly at Novian lying like a corpse and pulled the key ring from his coat to take with her.

"I'll take at least this. It was originally mine anyway."

She unhesitatingly lifted Novian's shirt collar to check, then felt immediate disappointment. Mother's necklace wasn't there. One more thing to search for in the Grand Ducal estate. She soon tidied the surroundings as if nothing had happened and went to the bathroom door. Taking a last look around the room, seeing Novian lying like a corpse on the bed where she'd died—the feeling was strange.

"...Ah."

The emotion that had been quietly seething somewhere beneath her body the entire time she'd watched him wail now fell drop by drop from her eyes. Accumulated filthy emotions. Whether he was drunk on alcohol or drugs, or wailing—what did it matter?

'Beneath this floor I'm standing on... my corpse will soon rot without even permission to weep.'

The moment that thought struck, the tears stopped abruptly. As if opening the door to a new world, she threw open the bathroom door. She didn't spare another glance toward the bedroom where Novian lay. She immersed herself in the now cold bathwater and washed her entire body clean. Entering Novian's bedroom, Yona was pacing anxiously.

"My lady! You didn't come out for so long, I worried whether I should go in!"

She reassured Yona and returned to the bedroom originally assigned to her. And she hid the key taken from Novian well, instructing Yona never to let others clean her room.

The next day, Novian woke only at noon, clutching his splitting head as he opened his eyes. Being so severely drugged he couldn't move a finger was truly the first time in ages.

Frowning and pressing his temples for a long while, he recalled Adrienne's phantom from hazy memories—approaching so realistically. Had he ever poured out the words accumulated in his chest so earnestly? He remembered spilling words for quite some time. But what expression Adrienne wore, what words she spoke—he couldn't remember.

Yet even with his head feeling like it would split, strangely only one memory remained vivid—Adrienne smiling sadly saying she was already dead—which twisted his insides and brought nausea.

Knock knock—

Having moved to his own bedroom, Novian sighed quietly at the sound of someone entering with a meal.

"I won't be eating..."

"You must eat."

Though he'd tried to refuse, the person bringing it in was Bliea. On the wooden tray Bliea held, freshly baked fragrant bread steamed like a haze.

"I thought you'd feel good waking up to a delicious smell."

'When my body gets healthy, the day after you return, I'll wake early and prepare breakfast for you. So you can smell something delicious the moment you wake.'

Suddenly recalling his honeymoon with Adrienne, Novian forgot even his headache and watched Bliea calmly instructing a maid to set things up.

'While claiming to love me, you overlooked every reckless thing that woman did, indulged her, and ultimately couldn't discard her.'

'Wouldn't that mean you love that woman rather than me?'

The voice from the phantom that wouldn't surface no matter how hard he tried to remember suddenly burst forth and pounded relentlessly inside his head.