RAMHM Chapter 83

I Missed You

What kind of person am I to him that he keeps saying these things to me?

"If clearing away all your doubts about my brother will give you peace of mind, I'll help you with everything I have."

Don't run away. Don't abandon me. Please, just don't abandon me. Every time we circled back to confirm each other's existence, he was reduced to pleading with me like this. And it tore my heart to pieces. The very fact that Rhodness was here in this bedroom where I had died—it felt like a mirage. For a moment I could only stare at him blankly, at a loss for words. But as if even that silence was too much to bear, his voice kept spilling out without pause.

"If you say you can't bear to have even a hair's breadth of contact with Bliea Acacia, I'll gladly do that. Even this much distance is fine."

Rhodness was staring at the gap between us—barely a single step remained.

"Even if we stay friends, I'll spend my entire life alone."

Speaking words a prince of the empire could never dare voice without hesitation. Friends. He too had recognized that there were many things we needed to resolve before we could envision any future together.

"All I want is to be close enough to you—just this much. To protect you. To watch over you."

Rhodness watched me silently swallowing my tears, then twisted his face as if he could no longer stand it. Without hesitation, he dropped to his knees before me. I froze in shock, then hurriedly knelt down beside him. Rhodness wasn't crying, but his face already looked like he was.

"So please... don't say this is the end for us."

God. How could I possibly say such a thing to him? What right did I have to tell him it was over—to tell a man who'd asked me again and again not to run away? But Rhodness's face was utterly sincere. Every organ that kept me breathing seemed to clench in pain. It was agony. Because it seemed I appeared to him as nothing more than someone running away.

"An."

"Don't..."

"An, don't do this."

"...Don't abandon me."

His face flushed with agitation, he threw his sword—still unstained from Novian's blood—to the floor. He grabbed my hand as I reached out to stop him and pressed it against his own cheek. The feel of his gaunt face beneath my palm finally made my own expression crumple. That poor, thin, trembling cheek felt like it was piercing my palm with pain. Thick teardrops fell from Rhodness's reddened eyes. Plop. Plop. That man who was so strong, so fearless. That man who had no reason whatsoever to be like this with me. He was crying, begging the fake shell of a dead woman not to abandon him.

Kiiiiing—! Whine! Whine!!

Cowan was straining so hard to run to us that the bedpost where his leash was tied seemed ready to be pulled out. But I couldn't spare even a glance for the dog—I couldn't tear my eyes from Rhodness's face. I opened and closed my mouth at him as he sobbed, still not knowing what words I should give him. Hot tears soaked my hand thoroughly. With each endless stream of tears from his eyes, I felt the pain of a blade thinly slicing through my heart.

Ah. When had I started feeling such pity for Rhodness? When had I begun wanting so badly to hold him?

I clenched my free hand into a fist. I had nothing I could do for this man who was crying without even being able to look at my eyes.

"...You're such a fool."

At the words I finally managed to speak, Rhodness slowly raised his head. I gently stroked his cheek with the hand he held captive.

"Why are you acting like you're the only one who wants me, who desires me?"

The tears in Rhodness's eyes stopped abruptly. It was a remarkable transformation. That change alone made my mind suddenly snap clear. I couldn't give him false hope only to make things more complicated later. I absolutely couldn't tell him that I'd thought once Novian was removed, I too could envision a future with you. Because the moment I investigated the Crown Prince and revealed any connection to my death—if there was even the slightest chance—who knew how our relationship might change again. I'd even thought that if I could just uncover the truth, I could abandon Bliea's body. I was sick to death of being an ignorant fool, standing dazed in the face of cascading revelations. I wanted to investigate the Crown Prince, and Doris as well.

Why are there so many entanglements between us?

I looked with pity at Rhodness, who was clutching the hand stroking his cheek like a lifeline. Ever since gentle words had left my lips, he'd been staring at my mouth with the tenacity of a wanderer who'd found an oasis in the desert. As if the words I'd just spoken had taken physical form and were floating in the air.

After Novian's confession, I'd endlessly agonized over my relationship with Rhodness. It was a concern I'd postponed since the moment I'd revealed my identity to him. In my current situation, could I envision a future with Rhodness? As I became entangled with the Crown Prince, that future had fallen into even deeper uncertainty. The reason Rhodness was clinging to me so desperately must be because he was terrified I wasn't envisioning a future with him. I wouldn't stop digging up secrets, and I would inevitably have to touch the brother he loved most. When that happened, he would suffer caught between the Crown Prince and me. Watching him suffer would be painful for me too.

But when Rhodness was setting all of that aside and pleading with such sincerity like this—could I alone be cowardly enough to put this relationship behind me?

I was fooled by a mere mask and failed to recognize you, but you eventually recognized me even trapped in someone else's body.

I like you.

I like that you don't care if I'm in any body, even if I'm not Adrienne.

Words I couldn't bring myself to confess filled my mouth. I wanted to embrace his enormous sincerity as well. Even if it was too soon to speak of love to him right now, I at least wanted to tell him that I'd missed him the entire time we were apart. That I'd wanted to be by his side, wanted to depend on him. But I knew all too well what a sin it was to speak words I couldn't take responsibility for.

"...I missed you."

But surely this much honesty was acceptable to give to a man who was crying?

"I missed you, Rhoan."

Why had that been such a difficult thing to say? As I spoke his name, my core felt weighted down as if hung with a heavy anchor. But strangely, my head felt refreshingly clear.

Rhodness stared blankly at my face for a long moment, then let out a short sigh.

"Friends... even friends can miss each other."

It was sincerity hidden behind the word "friends," but even that took great courage for me. But as if my cowardly excuse didn't even register—his wet eyes, having barely regained focus, began to sparkle as if receiving an answer to long-held prayers. I pulled him into an embrace to hide my burning face. Even his shoulders being too broad was a problem. I fumbled around, unable to fully wrap my arms around his back, and just as I managed to settle into position, I was instantly pulled into Rhodness's arms. Rhodness drew my neck and waist close, rose up on his knees, and embraced me with all his strength. Suddenly lifted as high as he'd risen, I was helplessly buried deep in his embrace. Rhodness buried his face in my neck and wept hotly.

The man who couldn't even cry aloud was clenching his teeth, swallowing screams of weeping inside himself. I didn't dare push him away, and with my palm pressed against his heart that felt ready to burst, I swallowed my own tears.

Whine—! Kiiiiing—!

Cowan, who'd been thrashing about at his master's strange behavior, finally broke his leash and ran to us, mercilessly striking Rhodness with his front paws and nose. Whack! Whack! He seemed to think Rhodness was going to crush me to death. Even though the panting dog should have been distracting, Rhodness cried like that for a long while before his shoulders suddenly shook. It was around the time my legs were starting to cramp and my neck felt so soaked it was getting cold. The moment I pushed slightly at his solid chest, I was pulled tightly back into Rhodness's embrace. Squeezing me in his arms as if wringing me out, Rhodness—as if unwilling to show his wet face—rubbed it somewhat roughly against my neck. The ticklish, strange sensation made me shudder. Strangely, he no longer seemed to be crying. Rhodness raised his head and pressed my entire head against his chest, breathing heavily for a long moment.

"...I'm beyond help too."

It was much later when Rhodness's mouth opened, lightly ignoring Cowan trying to wedge his way between us.

"In this situation..."

It was when my own heart was pounding madly enough that I thought his wildly beating heart had transferred to me.

"When you're suffering the most in this situation... in this absurd situation..."

The hand that had been pressing the back of my head relaxed its grip, and I carefully raised my head.

"My heart feels full, like I've gained the entire world."

Rhodness's face, cradling the dawn moon, shone with cold light, yet was simultaneously bright as a rising sun.

"Just those words—that you missed me—they're as sweet as if I'd eaten the sweetest thing in the world."

I could no longer distinguish whose heartbeat I was hearing.

"Sweet enough that I could die like this and be content. Adrienne."

The sound of his full heart transmitted through my fingertips felt like wildfire spreading across dry grassland, catching throughout my entire body.

"It has been handled accordingly."

Watching the Crown Prince's sullen face, Doris raised her teacup to hide the corners of her mouth. If she hadn't bitten her tongue, she probably would have laughed loud enough to shake the Crown Princess's palace. According to what she'd heard from Baroness Giusetta, Novian Trovika's reputation had hit rock bottom. A strategist who kidnapped and murdered the Emperor's mistress—what an absurd scandal.

"I will be faithful to my wife. For the sake of our future, please..."

"I understand what you mean, Your Highness."

For Doris too, it was better to let it slide with an air of magnanimity rather than needlessly provoking Duke Castagna and causing a fuss. The Grand Duke wasn't a fool—how could he have sent monsters or rebels to Castagna's direct territories in the vast west? The moment an investigation was launched and they caught even a whiff of a trail, who knew what attacks might come. Though a few monsters had occasionally crossed over and caused damage, territories directly related to Castagna had basically been safe. Rather, a few veteran retainers who'd occasionally raised their heads against her father had been sacrificed, so in some respects she could even be grateful.

"Your Highness being my husband—it's only now starting to feel real to me."

"..."

"When shall we set a date for consummation?"

At the word "consummation" she'd thrown out on a whim, the Crown Prince's eyes trembled finely. His pitiful appearance like a child who'd lost his parents nearly made her laugh again.

"Once I'm ready, I'll receive an auspicious date and attend upon Your Highness."

The Crown Prince's answer was no longer necessary to Doris.