LADAD Chapter 40

"Why?"

Ivan asked. His slightly lowered voice contained subtle playfulness. He had clearly noticed why Amelia was hiding her chest.

"Stop looking."

Her slightly reddened cheeks and petulant voice betrayed her embarrassment. Ivan leisurely crossed his arms and gazed even more intently at Ian's head. Since she couldn't very well pull the child away from her breast while he was nursing, only Amelia was left flustered.

"Mmm..."

As if sensing his mother's predicament, Ian let go of her breast. He seemed to have dozed off while feeding, his eyes closed. Amelia hurriedly straightened her clothing and patted Ian's back while holding him.

"......"

During this time, Ivan's gaze was fixed on the mother and child full of bonding. Such bonding was something Ivan had never shared with Ian at all.

Of course, he didn't feel resentful or uncomfortable about it. In the first place, seeing Ian directly had been a rare occurrence. Even touching him once was uncommon. If there had been warm affection or feelings between the two, that would have been stranger.

'My child. Certainly my child, but still even his very existence feels unfamiliar...'

That was about the extent of the sentiment Ivan held toward Ian.

"Burp."

Finally, Ian let out a small burp. Only then did Amelia lay the child back down on the bed.

"You look practiced at it. Have you been nursing him like this all along?"

It was when she was patting Ian's plump belly so that the sudden drop in temperature wouldn't feel strange. Ivan suddenly asked a question. He seemed puzzled by how skillfully Amelia handled the child.

"If not me, then who would have done it?"

Amelia answered with a smile, as if raising one's own child was only natural. For Ivan, who had only seen children raised by wet nurses, it was a puzzling answer.

"If I hadn't hidden and raised this child from my arms, he would have died as soon as he was born."

"......"

"Ian was able to live because I hid him and showed him to no one, and because you came to save him on the day all the facts were discovered."

At Amelia's words, Ivan's eyes darkened with a somewhat somber light. Was it startling to realize that if he had arrived just a little later, that little one would have been erased forever without even leaving a trace of having been born into this world?

"Have I ever told you about my sister?"

Amelia asked quietly. It was an impulsive decision, but she thought he should know. Ivan silently shook his head.

"I was the first twin born to the line of holy maidens. My sister was born later than me and was constitutionally weak."

"......"

"She died when we turned three. Because there were two girls with black hair and black eyes, and I grew up healthy without any ailments."

Secrets were better kept by fewer people. Aaron lived with those words constantly on his lips. So she had followed those words exactly as they were.

"These are people who can kill even a girl with the conditions they want. What would they do with a useless boy?"

Amelia muttered self-deprecatingly. Her gaze was directed toward the small life beneath her palm. The sight of him sleeping peacefully, unaware that he had once been in danger, was quite adorable.

"I wanted to protect Ian somehow, but whenever I felt my own powerlessness, it was agonizing."

In truth, secretly sending him away with the midwife might have been for the best. But that was something she only realized after being blinded by love for the child and only coming to her senses after the midwife had departed. There was no place to hide the child. It was impossible to conceal his hair color or gender. All she could do was raise him in hiding.

"Should I just die together with him like this before having our lives toyed with?"

"......"

"I would think such thoughts, but when I considered that he was the last trace you had left in the world, I absolutely couldn't do such a thing."

Amelia's muttering voice still contained the afterimage of pain. It was a type of emotion Ivan could never understand, and would never be able to understand in the future.

"How could I do that?"

"......"

"When I'm the one who as good as killed you, how could I kill your child as well?"

All of that was nothing but misunderstandings Ivan had created. Ivan was alive and living well. Wasn't he right there before her eyes now? Yet even knowing that fact, there was no way to stop the tears from flowing.

"Amelia."

It was when she had squeezed her eyes shut as the anguish from that time remained vivid. Ivan quietly called Amelia's name and reached out his hand. His long fingers gently wiped away her tears as they brushed her cheek.

"It's in the past. We're all alive, aren't we?"

Ivan was alive, and Ian was alive too. The pain Amelia had experienced was real, but all the past events became lies.

"Ian won't be in danger again, will he?"

Amelia grasped Ivan's hand that was placed on her face and asked. Ivan didn't answer carelessly. An emperor's promise was a vow. He must not make promises he couldn't keep. Instead, he gazed steadily into Amelia's tear-moistened eyes.

In those eyes that glittered like smooth pebbles tumbling in the shallow waters of a lake, various emotions were clustered tightly together. Fear, hope, despair, expectation. Such things.

"What did the High Priest say?"

At Ivan's question, Amelia grasped Ivan's hand with both of hers. It was after she had completely withdrawn the hands that had been patting Ian.

"He said he'd kill the child?"

"If I don't do what he ordered."

Half of Ivan's assumptions were right. If they didn't perform the orders they were given, Aaron would kill Ian first as a warning to Amelia.

"He told me to seduce you and spend the night together. So that everyone would know and it couldn't be denied."

And she had pleaded with Ivan. It was the only opportunity to obtain freedom and tranquility. That's what Amelia thought.

"But if I follow their words, they plan to incite a holy war outright. If I don't follow them, they intend to harm Ian."

"......"

"Ivan, when will you accept Ian as your child?"

So she came to plead desperately. If only Ivan would accept Ian as his child, it seemed like everything would work out smoothly.

"If something really happens like this..."

Ivan's gaze flowed carefully from Amelia to Ian beyond her shoulder.

"Amelia. You don't need to worry about Ian's safety. He's in my house."

The gentle voice caught hold of Amelia's anxious mind. Amelia leaned her cheek against Ivan's palm like an animal pressing its face into the palm of a trusted master. It was an attitude that showed no wariness whatsoever.

"However, Ian's matter... isn't something that can be decided by my will alone."

It would be difficult for anyone to speak words of rejection to that face. However, Ivan was a man who could certainly manage it.

"For that to happen, it would need to be revealed that Ian is my bloodline, and you would need to be a woman who could marry me ordinarily."

"......"

"But right now, that's not possible."

Ivan's words were correct. With no facts revealed yet, Amelia was still in the position of a holy maiden. When even marriage to an ordinary man was impossible, becoming an empress was out of the question. If they revealed that Amelia and Ivan had already had a child together in such circumstances, everyone would only receive criticism.

"I'm sorry. If I made a promise now, that would rather become a lie."

Ivan said this while lifting Amelia's chin with both hands. At the lips that touched gently, Amelia raised both arms to wrap around Ivan's neck.

"...Yes."

And she managed to answer in a low voice.

"Sleep more. I'll stay by your side before leaving."

"Won't you sleep?"

"I have to return soon. I can't let rumors spread that we were together according to their schemes."

Ivan, who had briefly kissed her lips one last time, laid Amelia down on the bed. Then he covered her with the blanket up to her shoulders. He himself remained sitting on the edge of the bed.

"Ivan."

Amelia called to Ivan. Ivan's gaze, which had been looking at things like the dried-up porridge on the table, turned toward Amelia.

"Can't you lie down next to me for just a moment before you go? Even if you leave when it's time to leave. Please?"

Now that she was a parent herself, Amelia acted as if she were begging for parental warmth. Ivan smiled briefly, then as if unable to resist, lay down embracing Amelia from behind.

Only after being held in that familiar warmth did she feel secure. Amelia fumbled along the firm arm that extended over her waist, then slipped her hand underneath it. Then she grasped Ivan's hand and lifted it up. Ivan seemed to be thinking 'let me see what you're doing,' showing no particular reaction.

"......"

The place Amelia guided Ivan's hand to was above Ian's chest. Ivan stared unfamiliarly at his own hand spread large over Ian's palm-sized chest.

"It seemed like you'd never tried patting Ian before."

It wasn't a wrong instinct, as Ivan didn't deny it. He simply patted the child's chest as Amelia had done earlier. It was an exceedingly awkward and cautious movement.

'He's still unfamiliar, still anxious.'

Amelia smiled as she watched that sight.

"Ivan."

"......"

"It's just that you're not ready yet, right? I just have to wait, right?"

Ivan silently kissed near Amelia's temple. Amelia chose to believe that was his answer.