TMWDS Chapter 36

Erich's clenched fist had gone white at the knuckles by now.

Every breath he drew and released made his stiff shoulders tremble faintly.

Watching his tense expression, Ionna hesitated, then finally spoke.

"Fine. I'll tell you."

At that, the rigid line of Erich's expression eased somewhat.

She continued in a resolute voice,

"It's a secret. You have to keep it. Even if the Emperor himself asks, you don't tell."

"Yes, understood. I won't say a word to anyone, not even the commander—so go ahead and be honest with me. What is it you actually want, badly enough to give up the job you gave your whole life to?"

Erich stepped closer to Ionna and bit the words out.

Ionna took a small, careful breath, as if about to say something she shouldn't.

It was the first time Erich had ever seen Ionna look nervous.

Lowering her long lashes, Ionna finally spoke.

"A happy marriage."

The moment she said it, she stopped short.

Now that it was out, it seemed somehow insufficient.

She had died and come back for this chance, after all—shouldn't she be allowed a little more ambition?

Thinking this, Ionna added, tucking in a small measure of her own secret wish.

"Romance."

Love……

That felt like reaching a bit too far. A man who'd ended up with her as a wife through no choice of his own would find it hard enough to hold real feeling for her.

She'd be grateful enough if he simply, moderately, thought of her as a woman he found agreeable.

Even in a distant, indifferent marriage, a small flicker of romantic feeling could still take root.

"……Well, that's the situation, so—I hope you understand. It's not as if I was such a wonderful superior officer that my leaving is worth grieving over, anyway."

Having reached a tidy conclusion, Ionna looked up at Erich, feeling rather sheepish.

She'd thought it embarrassing enough, saying something so unguarded in front of a subordinate.

She'd known the reaction wouldn't be good, but Erich's actual expression, once she saw it, was worse than she'd expected.

His face went red, then pale, red then pale again, until it twisted completely out of shape.

He glared at Ionna with murderous eyes and asked,

"Are you…… joking with me right now?"

"Hm?"

"I was genuinely worried about you, and even now, you're still……"

Erich closed his eyes tightly, as if pressing down his anger.

Still, it seemed the fury hadn't fully left him, and he turned his back on Ionna without ceremony. His harsh footsteps seemed to speak for his feelings.

Before stepping off the terrace, he turned back to her and shot her a cold, cutting look.

"Fine. Whatever. Live however you please. I do sincerely hope you have a happy marriage."

Then he yanked the curtain shut with rough hands.

Ionna stared blankly for a moment at the spot where he'd vanished.

'Why was he angry?'

Had her attitude seemed like a joke to him? But she'd meant every word.

She didn't know.

The people close to her always seemed to end up, on the whole, angry with her.

That was why she tried not to speak too much when she was around others. Listening well was usually enough to fit into any group.

And in most cases, silence proved the more advantageous choice when it came to keeping someone in good humor.

But when you knew someone long enough, there always came a moment where the marks of a different upbringing showed through.

It was a habit worn too deep into the body to be something one could simply control by being aware of it.

Perhaps that was what had just happened again.

Ionna let her head fall back loosely.

"Will this marriage really succeed……"

"You've turned into quite the pessimist in the short time I was gone."

At the voice from the doorway, Ionna's head snapped up.

Had the dance already ended? Leroy was pushing the curtain aside with the back of his hand as he stepped in. In his other hand, he carried two thin, tall champagne flutes stacked together.

Perhaps it was the effect of the drink, but his face carried a faint, warm flush.

Leroy came quickly to her side and offered the champagne, asking,

"Did something happen?"

Had he really not seen Erich storming out just now, furious?

There was no need to explain having been together with Erich, but answering what exactly had happened between them would make things rather more complicated.

She wanted, above all else, to avoid Leroy ever learning the contents of what she and Erich had just discussed.

Taking the glass from him, Ionna asked, redirecting the topic,

"How did you know I was here?"

"I saw Sir Erich leaving here with quite a fearsome expression."

Leroy answered plainly. Realizing the deflection had been useless, Ionna gave a short, silent groan inwardly.

Feigning composure, Ionna answered,

"Erich and I had a little something to discuss. You've seen his personality yourself, your grace, so you know how difficult he is. Nothing happened worth mentioning."

Rather than pressing further about what had passed between them, Leroy came to stand beside Ionna.

Leaning against the railing just as she was, he studied her face intently.

Ionna tried to pretend not to notice his gaze, but after several minutes had passed in that state, the silence itself grew more uncomfortable than the staring.

In the end, it was Ionna who surrendered first.

"Why are you looking at me like that?"

"I can't tell at all what you're thinking."

He gave this cryptic answer and wet his throat with the champagne.

He set the half-empty glass down on the railing and scratched lightly near his throat. He seemed to be deliberating whether or not to say whatever it was he wanted to say.

After a moment, he finally spoke, raising an unexpected topic.

"I heard something once, as a child. That if you marry without truly loving the person, you'll end up unhappy."

Marry without loving the person, and you'll end up unhappy.

Ionna thought she'd believed something like that herself, once, when she was young. Though it wasn't really a conclusion she'd reached on her own—more that she'd simply absorbed the habitual phrasing of her old tutor.

Watching young Ionna endure abuse disguised as sword training, he used to say things like this often.

'Blame your parents for all of it. When two people with no sense of responsibility come together and do something equally irresponsible, this is the result you get—someone like you.'

And on he'd go, ranting about how arranged marriages were the root of the problem, how that was exactly why nobles kept mistresses and made a mess of everything behind closed doors.

Still young at the time, Ionna had barely understood half of what he said—but the advice that followed had stayed with her, quite vividly, for a long time after.

'If you ever end up getting married, when you grow up…… when you marry, marry someone you truly love. Eat well. Dress nicely.'

'That way, if you find happiness later, maybe I'll finally feel a little easier myself……'

Whether it was the drink talking, he'd said only that much before passing out cold.

A hollow bit of self-satisfaction. Whatever Hayden's orders may have been, it was the tutor himself who had driven Ionna to the brink of death.

He'd even, eventually, dragged her back after she'd finally managed to escape and delivered her personally into Hayden's hands.

To think she'd lived her whole life believing the words of a man like that as gospel truth—her past self felt a little pathetic in hindsight.

Swallowing a self-mocking laugh, Ionna asked,

"Do you believe that too, Your Grace?"

"No. But it made me wonder—is that person still thinking the same thing, even now?"

"Can't you simply ask him directly?"

"It's a bit complicated. I'm well past the age where honesty comes easy."

Leroy sidestepped the question. Was the old anecdote he'd just shared even true, then?

Ionna swallowed a sigh and said,

"Well, I couldn't say, your grace…… but I do know one thing for certain. Did you happen to overhear what Erich and I were talking about?"

Bringing up marriage and love out of nowhere like this. However dense a person might be, there was no way to miss it.

Because that was, in fact, precisely what she and Erich had just been discussing.

At Ionna's question, Leroy's eyes widened slightly before he broke into an artless smile.

"You really are slow to notice things. Took you long enough to catch on."